Addicted to Adrenaline

“I must confess I’m addicted to this. Shove your kiss straight through my chest. I can’t deny I’d die without this. Make me feel like a God, adrenaline and sex.”

Adrenalize – In This Moment

That tattoo on my right wrist is the chemical compound of adrenaline.
That tattoo on my right wrist is the chemical compound for adrenaline.

My name is Endza, and I am an adrenaline addict.

It is the moment when the ground is rushing towards me at 68 miles an hour, or when I am looking at the floor below me, flesh hooks the only thing keeping me from falling. It is when I get into the boxing ring, or the applause when the curtain lifts. It is in that moment that everything feels right.

My veins catch fire, consuming all sensation, my heart speeds and pounds until it blocks out all other sound. My vision narrows to what is directly in front of me. In my mind all that exists is now.

Like magic, I am no longer Endza, no longer a student or a porn actress. I have no homework, no bills, no responsibilities other than to survive. The rest of my life doesn’t exist on the edge of a cliff, at the end of a singletail. There is only the now, the drug, the bliss. It is in those moments of simplicity, pure primal instinct, that I finally feel alive. It is then I see perfection.

The face in front of me becomes the most beautiful I have ever seen. It could be a woman holding a needle or man pushing me off a bridge. They bleed into, almost become, the perfection that comes with my high.

I never want it to end, but like all highs, it does. Life creeps back into my head, the fire leaves my veins. Slowly but surely I become human again, no longer on the plains where gods exist.

The bliss leaves me satiated for days, sometimes weeks. After time, the need always comes back. The itching, the feeling that I don’t belong in my own skin. The restlessness and irritability. When I said I was addicted, I wasn’t joking.

So what do I do?

I get back into the boxing ring, or I ask my girlfriend to water board me with my own blood.

I am forever in search of that blissed-out, cathartic place adrenaline takes me. It strips away all my illusions and shows me who I really am. There are no excuses, no hiding when it is flowing through my veins.

Adrenaline is where I found my religion.

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