Addicted to Adrenaline

“I must confess I’m addicted to this. Shove your kiss straight through my chest. I can’t deny I’d die without this. Make me feel like a God, adrenaline and sex.”

Adrenalize – In This Moment

That tattoo on my right wrist is the chemical compound of adrenaline.
That tattoo on my right wrist is the chemical compound for adrenaline.

My name is Endza, and I am an adrenaline addict.

It is the moment when the ground is rushing towards me at 68 miles an hour, or when I am looking at the floor below me, flesh hooks the only thing keeping me from falling. It is when I get into the boxing ring, or the applause when the curtain lifts. It is in that moment that everything feels right.

My veins catch fire, consuming all sensation, my heart speeds and pounds until it blocks out all other sound. My vision narrows to what is directly in front of me. In my mind all that exists is now.

Like magic, I am no longer Endza, no longer a student or a porn actress. I have no homework, no bills, no responsibilities other than to survive. The rest of my life doesn’t exist on the edge of a cliff, at the end of a singletail. There is only the now, the drug, the bliss. It is in those moments of simplicity, pure primal instinct, that I finally feel alive. It is then I see perfection.

The face in front of me becomes the most beautiful I have ever seen. It could be a woman holding a needle or man pushing me off a bridge. They bleed into, almost become, the perfection that comes with my high.

I never want it to end, but like all highs, it does. Life creeps back into my head, the fire leaves my veins. Slowly but surely I become human again, no longer on the plains where gods exist.

The bliss leaves me satiated for days, sometimes weeks. After time, the need always comes back. The itching, the feeling that I don’t belong in my own skin. The restlessness and irritability. When I said I was addicted, I wasn’t joking.

So what do I do?

I get back into the boxing ring, or I ask my girlfriend to water board me with my own blood.

I am forever in search of that blissed-out, cathartic place adrenaline takes me. It strips away all my illusions and shows me who I really am. There are no excuses, no hiding when it is flowing through my veins.

Adrenaline is where I found my religion.

Of course I am a Nanny!

If I have learned anything in college it is that that no one will inquire further about your job if you respond with a story of a screaming baby vomiting on you. This is an important life skill to have.

            My hobbies?

                             Books, and no, I can’t go out this weekend. I’m studying,… the whole time.

I have mastered the art of being unremarkable.  I carefully lie to hide who I truly am because I have seen how the academic word treats those in my industry.

If you have not heard of Belle Knox, you may have been living under a rock. She was a freshman at Duke University when she was outed as a porn star. She trusted one classmate with her secret and within a couple of weeks the whole nation knew.

The whole nation also had an opinion on it: she received everything from encouragement to death threats.  Even with people defending her, I imagine it is nearly impossible to hear the praise when you can’t walk through campus without fearing someone will make good on their violent threats.

After her personal information and the personal information of her parents were posted online she went to the police to help. She was met with slut shaming and implications that she could be at fault for the harassment.

I admire Ms. Knox for the bravery, strength, and intelligence it took for her to not only get through this gross invasion of her life, but to do so with her head held high. She turned this tragedy into a platform to discuss the stigma associated with sex work and the sexuality of women.

I had yet to enter the industry when this occurred, but I followed the media coverage with rapt attention. It was beyond my comprehension how strangers could get so personally insulted by her decisions about her own body. As I followed the events I started to understand how deeply personally people take women’s sexuality. Our society seems to think everyone but the individual has control over a woman’s decision in this regard.

It makes me worried to imagine how many people think they can claim ownership over my sexuality. Our society, and specifically college culture, is guilty of perpetuating the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy.   Women are expected to be as pure and modest as a virgin, but be able to have sex like a whore.   If she has sex she is labeled a slut, but if she refrains from it she is a prude.

The decision to have sex should be each individual woman’s decision, not open for public comment. Sadly, we are not there yet. Until we are, I will continue to join the conversation in ways that protect my privacy.

Every time someone on campus asks me what I do, I think of Belle Knox and I lie. I realize this damages my ability to create any real connections in college, but it is a sacrifice I make to keep my loved ones and myself safe.

Doctor Who Season 9!

“Your chances of survival are one out of a thousand. So here’s what you do: You forget the thousand, and you concentrate on the one.” The 12th Doctor in Season 9, The Magician’s Apprentice.

As you can imagine, I have been very excited for this season of Doctor Who to get going. I have barely been able to contain myself. So this past Saturday, even though I was out of town, I sat myself down in front of the TV and turned on BBC.

It was gold. Clara seems to have finally developed a personality, the Doctor rode in on a tank playing the electric guitar, and they packed so much action into the episode I am sure I missed most of it. It is an incredible start to the season.

To be honest, there is another reason why I missed most of the action in the episode. Earlier that day I had my first shoot for Sexually Broken Live! It was the most mind-breaking, orgasm-inducing, fuck-fest of awesome. I had never before experienced two men at once and I was so nervous. Turns out Jack and Matt were the perfect people to take that cherry.   I got so cum-drunk time seemed to stop; I had no clue how long the shoot was. I just floated in a new kind of head space, it was different from what I experience from pain. I learned what it was like to be cum-drunk. When that shoot is up you will be able to find it on Endza.xxx.

After I grabbed post-shoot lunch I went back to my hotel and curled into the soft sheets I found there. I was still so cum-drunk that when Doctor Who came on I couldn’t quite keep my attention on it. My thoughts kept returning to the incredibly sexy time I’d had just a few hours before. I got a bit…well…distracted as my hand kept returning to my aching cunt.

Needless to say, I had to watch the episode again. Luckily for me, my amazing girlfriend Lorelei was willing to re-watch it with me tonight. I say “willing” but I mean “incredibly enthusiastic”, she is even a bigger fan than I am.

My overall thoughts on the introduction to this season can be summarized in two words. “Holy Shit.”   The first episode was more epic than a lot of the past season finales.   I can’t wait for the next episode and I hope they can keep this level of epic up the whole season.